It's me your boss, in case you couldn't figure that out. I wanted to write this to you to say I'm so sorry I have required work out of you. I should have allowed you to be on your phone all day long. I should have just let you sit around and listen to your ear buds and then we could be buds. . . I mean not become ear buds but friend type buds. Sorry I'm not good with words.
I should have given you that big raise after one week even though you're not even fully trained yet. I should have paid you more even though it's a job that does not require a degree or much thinking for that matter. I realize how selfish I've been. I'm sorry for asking you do things you didn't want to do. In this, I need to put on the breaks, kind of like you putting on all the breaks from work. I mean if there was an award for laziness you would probably send someone else to pick it up for you. But hey it's still an award and I need to appreciate that.
Dearest overly sensitive employee, I wasn't sensitive to your overly sensitive needs when I required something out of you. I should have been more understanding when you no showed constantly. It was wrong of me to even look at your background check before I gave you a check. It's just when I saw you were missing teeth. . . But I digress. I've realized you don't work for me but I work for you. Please accept my sincerest deepest apologies.
Sincerely, your embarrassed beloved boss