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  • Writer's pictureEdward Riederich

The Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Interviews

Now hiring for our window cleaning company, yes I hold the golden ticket but it seems we keep giving golden tickets to anyone but Charlie Bucket, yes there is a hole in the bucket dear liza dear liza, there's a hole because we just hired Augustus Gloop, the great big greedy nincompoop, Augustus Gloop so big and vile so greedy foul and infantile only because his parents Mr. and Mrs. Gloop were moronic and indulgent to his every desire to keep him from being a nuisance and well Augustus Gloop lost his balance on a ladder and fell and splattered and got sucked up by a giant pipe or maybe he was smoking a pipe of crack cocaine but I think he got sucked up by the giant pipe leading to the work comp boiling room where I was boiling where we were all boiling but then we hired Veruca Salt that little spoiled brat who demands anything and everything until we meet her demands and if she doesn't get what she wants or if she gets a little criticism she throws a tantrum and sheds some tears but this dreadful girl sees no wrong and keeps me chewing all day long and we finally realized she was just a bad nut so we had to fire her and throw her down the garbage chute of unemployment but then we hired Violet Beauregarde who turned me into an avid gum chewer and she caused me to be blue by her constant not showing up to work so I wanted to turn her into a giant blueberry and have her juiced by the Oompa Loompas and have that Oompa Loompa choir sing a song detailing her shortcomings and transgressions but then we hired Mike Teavee who always stays on his TV, I mean on his phone all day long which rots the senses in his head and keeps his imagination dead and his ego needed to be shrunk down to a couple of inches so we fired him and then sang him a dirge on his way out but we just need a Charlie Bucket or two, a kind and respectful soul and we have few Charlie Buckets already working for us but we need a few more asap so we will launch yet another golden ticket contest on Indeed to see if indeed we can plug the hole in our bucket with a Charlie Bucket, signed Willy Wonka

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