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Writer's pictureEdward Riederich

Costco on a Saturday


Pushing a cart through Costco on a Saturday

It's a first world problem

But I have experienced the intense struggle

I have encountered 

Traffic jams

Bottlenecks 

Stupid drivers

Road rage 

Long lines

Clueless people

There IS a proper etiquette that people don't follow

Your little sample tasting party should not take place in the center aisle

Samples Schmamples

For the love of bulk discounts MOVE IT!

Let me offer you some free tips

Tip #1 Placing larger items in the front of your cart helps people to move

Try putting a broom or a mop that sticks out over the front of your cart

Even if you don't buy the broom or mop it helps clear the aisle

A little tap to someone's ear with a broom or a brush to the neck with a mop never hurt anyone

Tip #2 Quick and sudden movements can quickly move people

Go fast and aggressive 

Even look off to the side so they think you won't stop

Tip #3 Do wheelies with your cart as an intimidation factor

Wheelies in the parking lot

Wheelies even in the store 

Swipe your foot on the ground like you are riding a skateboard

Then ride on the back of your cart

Zig zag your way through

Zig and zag, 

Zag and zig

All the way to that rotisserie chicken for $4.99

You can't beat $4.99 

I mean that's a deal

I get 12 little shriveled nuggets at Chic-Fil-A for 3 times the price

That chicken is worth fighting for

Press through Costco for it

Tip #4 Tailgating works to speed people up

Tailgating keeps others from cutting in front of you

Always use your cart to your advantage

If you want to make sure you get a sample

Use your cart to block others from the sample area 

Then take your phone out and pretend to be scrolling

You must pass quickly around slower cart traffic

If you want to make a point to the slow driver

Cut in front of them you can then stop abruptly

Then smile and wave

If you have an impatient driver behind you stop and look at your phone and play dumb

I hear the song Hotel California as I push my cart

The perfect song in Costco on a Saturday

You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave

Tip #5 When someone stands in the middle aisle

Try clearing your throat

If that doesn't work give a gentle tap with your cart on their ankles and act as if you are looking at the flowers

Sometimes maybe not so gentle

Tip #6 If you have a kid use them to say "beep beep"

Then pretend to be embarrassed

Beep beep when you back up to warn other drivers

The aisle to the registers always has obstacles

There should be a control tower in Costco 

Maybe Costco could move the flowers away from the center aisle

Or at least move the peanut butter pretzels away to the back of the store

Then we might be able to get through Costco 

Even if you make it through to the register 

You have to push through the people all waiting for their cheap hot dogs

You are only supposed to eat a max of two hot dogs a year

I'm thinking a lot of these people are over their quota

Zig zag again through the hot dog consumers

Find your way to that receipt checker


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