Pushing a cart through Costco on a Saturday
It's a first world problem
But I have experienced the intense struggle
I have encountered
Traffic jams
Bottlenecks
Stupid drivers
Road rage
Long lines
Clueless people
There IS a proper etiquette that people don't follow
Your little sample tasting party should not take place in the center aisle
Samples Schmamples
For the love of bulk discounts MOVE IT!
Let me offer you some free tips
Tip #1 Placing larger items in the front of your cart helps people to move
Try putting a broom or a mop that sticks out over the front of your cart
Even if you don't buy the broom or mop it helps clear the aisle
A little tap to someone's ear with a broom or a brush to the neck with a mop never hurt anyone
Tip #2 Quick and sudden movements can quickly move people
Go fast and aggressive
Even look off to the side so they think you won't stop
Tip #3 Do wheelies with your cart as an intimidation factor
Wheelies in the parking lot
Wheelies even in the store
Swipe your foot on the ground like you are riding a skateboard
Then ride on the back of your cart
Zig zag your way through
Zig and zag,
Zag and zig
All the way to that rotisserie chicken for $4.99
You can't beat $4.99
I mean that's a deal
I get 12 little shriveled nuggets at Chic-Fil-A for 3 times the price
That chicken is worth fighting for
Press through Costco for it
Tip #4 Tailgating works to speed people up
Tailgating keeps others from cutting in front of you
Always use your cart to your advantage
If you want to make sure you get a sample
Use your cart to block others from the sample area
Then take your phone out and pretend to be scrolling
You must pass quickly around slower cart traffic
If you want to make a point to the slow driver
Cut in front of them you can then stop abruptly
Then smile and wave
If you have an impatient driver behind you stop and look at your phone and play dumb
I hear the song Hotel California as I push my cart
The perfect song in Costco on a Saturday
You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
Tip #5 When someone stands in the middle aisle
Try clearing your throat
If that doesn't work give a gentle tap with your cart on their ankles and act as if you are looking at the flowers
Sometimes maybe not so gentle
Tip #6 If you have a kid use them to say "beep beep"
Then pretend to be embarrassed
Beep beep when you back up to warn other drivers
The aisle to the registers always has obstacles
There should be a control tower in Costco
Maybe Costco could move the flowers away from the center aisle
Or at least move the peanut butter pretzels away to the back of the store
Then we might be able to get through Costco
Even if you make it through to the register
You have to push through the people all waiting for their cheap hot dogs
You are only supposed to eat a max of two hot dogs a year
I'm thinking a lot of these people are over their quota
Zig zag again through the hot dog consumers
Find your way to that receipt checker
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