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  • Writer's pictureEdward Riederich

Twas Two Days Before Christmas

Twas two days before Christmas and with  winter I am done

Not a creature was stirring for it was negative 41

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

But I was really wishing I had a Florida timeshare

My puppy Phoebe was nestled snug in her crate

As i had visions of vacations in some southern state

Dog in her sweater and I in my weather app

Walked outside but then called it a wrap

I thought of global warming and I thought what's the matter

Cold weather makes me eat and I don't want to get fatter

Away back inside Phoebe flew with a flash

I made an executive decision not to take out the trash

The amazing beauty of the new fallen snow

Gave way to the ungodly windchill of 41 below

Then back outside to my fre fre freezing eyes would appear

But a shivering puppy and me freezing my rear

With getting Christmas shopping done I wasn't so quick

I was foolish to wait until the roads were so slick

Retiring in Arizona was now my new aim

I pondered this as I sat close to my gas fireplace flame

On Door Dasher to the food they are fixin

On Uber Eats to go get my Starbucks addiction

I stay off my cold porch but I might go to the mall

And sorry Phoebe it's too cold to throw you a ball

Oh no! Bread, eggs and milk I did not buy 

But I bought way too much popcorn and now I know why

Way up on my rooftop I imagine my face would turn blue

And I guess I am glad now I don't live in Kalamazoo

Out my back door I heard a faint little woof

It was Phoebe pawing with each little hoof

I let her in and warmth happily she had found 

She squeaked her squeaker toy from off of the ground 

I want toe warmers for Christmas to warm up each foot

Its time to stay inside and just read a book

For some reason when I get cold I begin to snack

And if I was a duck in this weather I would quack and quack

Yes this Christmas it will be cold and merry

But days like today I am sure glad my chest is hairy

I am confident in this, one thing I know

I'm not a big fan of this 41 below

The sound of this chatter it's really my teeth

As temperatures plummeted to 0 and beneath

Today I had thoughts of moving to New Dehli

Or maybe attempting to make donuts with jelly

Look I'm only 5'6. I'm short like an elf

But this windchill is just not good for myself

Do I journey into the cold which I so dread?

Or do I sit here and write for What Ed Said?

No I won't drive my sleigh off to work

No paying for gas to the gas station clerk

It is now winter, we've made it official

Hey there's no mosquitos so that is beneficial

I will go to put on my fifth layer of clothes

So I will not complain of this winter's woes

But I heard a neighbor exclaim as he drove out of sight 

Merry Christmas to all but this windchill is not right 

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